I literally just figured it out! I now know why I've been in such a funk the past few weeks, and it's because of a piece I was writing for this and the tsean blog. It hit me when I came up here to finally write something for The Journey because I was just about to attempt to write about the exact same subject. I was going to write about the event itself, but now that I know that even after 27years it still affects me, I am going to go about it in a different manner....
Rape. Nasty word. Nasty act. Puts disgrace, self-loathing, fear, feeling of filth, sense of powerlessness, paranoia, lack of self-worth, can't tell anyone because who wants damaged goods, and many other thoughts/feelings into the one it is done to. It is not something one can just 'get over' as I was once directed to do, and though the menacing fear that first envelopes a victim does degenerate over time the base root of that fear never truly leaves.
Sometimes it's a stranger, others you think you know as your friend. In my case, my friend was really no friend at all. I have to ask, who in the hell do some people think they are that they feel they have the right to take what is not theirs? Who are they to think you owe them anything just because they say so? You won't give it up so they force it out of you, and unfortunately some pay the price of their very life in refusing. My life may not have been perfect after it happened to me, but I am grateful to be living.
If it does happen to you, or you know of it having happened to someone you care about, I found the release of my major fear in telling my best friend, my mom. It took me a few years to tell her about it, but when I did, it was like having the perverbial anchor lifted from me. I found I could allow myself to trust again, to take people at face value instead of asuming they would hurt me somehow. Informing the local authorities did nothing for me, and it took two weeks of being afraid to leave the house I was living in at the time before I could even do that. Two weeks of watching everyone around me as I went to work and back -- going to and from work was the only time I did leave the house. Picture in your mind a young girl afraid of her own shadow with squinty eyes as she checks out those around her with scrutiny -- that was me. I saw no friends, I lived secluded from the potential threat of a repeat. The only phone calls I made were to mom, just so she would think all was right in my world.
Life went on, but I was always afraid to be around men I did not know, and some of those I did know. I thought I knew the person that raped me, proof in itself that you can never really know anyone. When the boyfriend I had at the time came back from trying to find work so we could leave Seattle, we packed it up and made out for parts known only to us. I didn't tell mom, I should have as she then set off on a tangent of worry until I finally called her over a month later. Anyway, Donny and I headed south. Hitchhiking at that time was relatively safe for a couple, but even then Donny made sure I was the last one in the car and the last one out. He was very good to me as far as being my protector from evil-doers.
Until we were in Jackpot, NV and he decided to go out drinking and left me alone with a male roommate. It almost happened again! This time I locked myself in the bathroom and jumped out the window, went directly to casino authorities and by the time we got back to the place the man packed his crap and left town! I didn't fully trust Donny after that for leaving me alone when he knew I didn't trust anyone but him. He figured as I was asleep and the room mate was asleep he had nothing to worry about. Donny and I didn't last a year after that because I couldn't trust him to protect me anymore. That and he cheated on me!Sorry if this jumped around, but that's the way it goes!
Rape is dominance and holding power over someone else. It is never about sex. What the victim feels is exactly what the rapist wants them to, and for a very long time.
Do I fully trust anyone now? Sad to say, very very few people. Two live with me, one in Hawaii, one in Buffalo, two in Phoenix. If they read this, they know who they are and most know it is not easy for me to give complete trust. True, there are a tiny amount of folks that although they do not have compelte trust, it's pretty close. The kind of trust I am more likely to give is the kind that if you falter in any way, you won't be let back in the way you were before but more on a distant plain. Harsh, I know but if you've ever been attacked in a manner where you felt your very soul would leave you and believed you would not come out of it without taking a severe beating or even alive, you can understand it.
I know there are stronger women than me out there that have had to suffer through this type of event and have come out of it close to whole. I think I found my way to that point in December of 1995. That's when I met my husband, I just knew I was safe and could be me again. That's 14 years of being who I'd allowed fear to turn me into. Now, after 27 years the major fear has long been gone but I still don't like going anywhere at night by myself. I don't like going back to that place in my mind because it sends me into a sort of depression that isn't all-comsuming but more of a pain in the rear because I'm just in a 'blah' mood.So, that's why I haven't written much in the past few weeks.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I Hit You, I'm Sorry
This is from personal experience: If they hit you once, no matter what they say or how much time goes by, they WILL hit you again:
The first time he hit me, he didn't actually hit me. We were at a party, enjoying a good time over a few beers and conversation. We were introduced to some people and I did note that his eyes stayed on one particular person just a tad bit too long. I got over it and went on about having a great time. We had seperated, talking to different people and I went to ask him something but he was no where to be found. A friend told me he was in the bedroom on the right so I went on in -- only to find him with several other people, one of them being the girl he'd taken in with his eyes earlier. No matter, right?
After leaving the room he told me he was just about to get her phone number! I think I'd had too much to drink or was instantly shocked at what I'd heard because I turned right around to go back in the room to gather my coat and flat out told her that my husband wanted her phone number and she is to please, please give it to him.
I was angry and embarrassed and just wanted to leave. So, I hop in the car and proceded to start it up. Next thing I know, he is standing right in front of the car, daring me to mow him over -- uh, can you say bad move, mister?! I lurched the car to scare him out of my way and when he jumped, it was to the driver's side. Rut roh, I was not going to do well on this. He told me to stop the motor, I did. Shouldn't have, but did because I certainly didn't actually want to hurt anyone, least of all my daughters father. Well, he pulled me from the car, knocked me down and proceded to pound my head into the pavement.
And of course, it was entirely all my fault that he did that. At least, that is what he said. It was my fault he was trying to get another woman's phone number at a party I am at with him! It was my fault for over-reacting to what he was trying to do -- I just wanted to leave, and would have had he just stayed in the house. It was my fault for making him mad and beating my head into the road. Yeah, okay.
Well, I don't remember how either of us got home, but the next day after waking up, he did apologize. He was drunk (not hardly as we had only been at the party for about an hour, if that) and didn't know what he was doing. I let it go because he swore never to hit me in any way again and because I was unwilling to be the bad guy and toss him out. I know, I should have but you always think things will be good in the end. And if I had, I would be missing out on the lives of my two younger kids.
So, as I said, he apologized and said he wouldn't hit me in any way ever again. That held true for many years. Until one day when the dishes weren't clean enough for him. He took every single piece of dishware we had, flatware included, out of the cupboards and told me to re-wash it all and make sure it was clean this time. I was holding my middle one at the time when I told him if he wanted to make sure they were clean he could do it himself. BIG mistake! I saw his right arm rear back and a fist form and instantly turned to my left -- remember I am holding my youngest daughter. Had I not turned my body to the left, he would have landed a severe blow to her face. Instead, I took it in the upper arm and almost dropped my child as it hurt instantly.
In the back of my mind, it became clear to me that I was going to get out of it one day, somehow. I think I lost whatever good feeling I may have had left for him then as we declined a lot afterwards. Not that our marriage was ever that great, it was okay to a point, but because he hit me again and a few other things before and after it there was nothing left to work on to save us. Not that we didn't try a few times, but because I couldn't let go of past deeds it was no use. I admit it, I wanted to forgive and forget especially when I knew he'd actually fallen in love with me, but I'd been hurt far too much in too many ways to give in.
Don't ever stay in something if you ever feel at all that something's not quite right, if you've been hit or hit your someone else, or the feelings you had that were so great before are in question. It's never easy, even when you are at the point of wanting out. In ways I am glad I stayed as long as I did, in others I'm not -- no matter what your intentions, your kids are the ones who pay the price and it's just not worth it.
The first time he hit me, he didn't actually hit me. We were at a party, enjoying a good time over a few beers and conversation. We were introduced to some people and I did note that his eyes stayed on one particular person just a tad bit too long. I got over it and went on about having a great time. We had seperated, talking to different people and I went to ask him something but he was no where to be found. A friend told me he was in the bedroom on the right so I went on in -- only to find him with several other people, one of them being the girl he'd taken in with his eyes earlier. No matter, right?
After leaving the room he told me he was just about to get her phone number! I think I'd had too much to drink or was instantly shocked at what I'd heard because I turned right around to go back in the room to gather my coat and flat out told her that my husband wanted her phone number and she is to please, please give it to him.
I was angry and embarrassed and just wanted to leave. So, I hop in the car and proceded to start it up. Next thing I know, he is standing right in front of the car, daring me to mow him over -- uh, can you say bad move, mister?! I lurched the car to scare him out of my way and when he jumped, it was to the driver's side. Rut roh, I was not going to do well on this. He told me to stop the motor, I did. Shouldn't have, but did because I certainly didn't actually want to hurt anyone, least of all my daughters father. Well, he pulled me from the car, knocked me down and proceded to pound my head into the pavement.
And of course, it was entirely all my fault that he did that. At least, that is what he said. It was my fault he was trying to get another woman's phone number at a party I am at with him! It was my fault for over-reacting to what he was trying to do -- I just wanted to leave, and would have had he just stayed in the house. It was my fault for making him mad and beating my head into the road. Yeah, okay.
Well, I don't remember how either of us got home, but the next day after waking up, he did apologize. He was drunk (not hardly as we had only been at the party for about an hour, if that) and didn't know what he was doing. I let it go because he swore never to hit me in any way again and because I was unwilling to be the bad guy and toss him out. I know, I should have but you always think things will be good in the end. And if I had, I would be missing out on the lives of my two younger kids.
So, as I said, he apologized and said he wouldn't hit me in any way ever again. That held true for many years. Until one day when the dishes weren't clean enough for him. He took every single piece of dishware we had, flatware included, out of the cupboards and told me to re-wash it all and make sure it was clean this time. I was holding my middle one at the time when I told him if he wanted to make sure they were clean he could do it himself. BIG mistake! I saw his right arm rear back and a fist form and instantly turned to my left -- remember I am holding my youngest daughter. Had I not turned my body to the left, he would have landed a severe blow to her face. Instead, I took it in the upper arm and almost dropped my child as it hurt instantly.
In the back of my mind, it became clear to me that I was going to get out of it one day, somehow. I think I lost whatever good feeling I may have had left for him then as we declined a lot afterwards. Not that our marriage was ever that great, it was okay to a point, but because he hit me again and a few other things before and after it there was nothing left to work on to save us. Not that we didn't try a few times, but because I couldn't let go of past deeds it was no use. I admit it, I wanted to forgive and forget especially when I knew he'd actually fallen in love with me, but I'd been hurt far too much in too many ways to give in.
Don't ever stay in something if you ever feel at all that something's not quite right, if you've been hit or hit your someone else, or the feelings you had that were so great before are in question. It's never easy, even when you are at the point of wanting out. In ways I am glad I stayed as long as I did, in others I'm not -- no matter what your intentions, your kids are the ones who pay the price and it's just not worth it.
Monday, March 24, 2008
When You're Not Feeling At Your Best
Ya know, we all go through periods where we are just 'there'; going through the motions as usual, but that certain 'something' about us isn't on par with the norm. I have been going through a period of 'blah' for the past few weeks which is why I have not posted anything. Not depressed or overly stressed, just not the typical me. Of course, I have worries and concerns just like everyone else does but I think the one about needing to find employment closer to home has been what has caused me to go of course. I love where I work now and what I do, however there's no raise in sight and I have not had a review since I started a year and a half ago. Time for a change.....
This will pass, I know it will. Everything that goes awry eventually does. I'll be back up here going full throttle once again soon. Until then, be well!
Liz aka Bette
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