Single Parenting and Self Esteem

by Lisa Di Clemente

In my heart I think I always saw myself as a single parent. Who knows why. Maybe its because I saw my Mom struggle through marriage after marriage (5 in all) and getting hurt over and over, all the while dragging us kids through the whole mess. I'm not angry with her, I just think that from a child's perspective I wished she would have been just happy with us, and that she would have spent some of that energy on watching us grow and blossom. Again, I do not fault her, she raised us with the best of intentions. In my mind's eye, I played out the fantasy of how I would raise my children on my own...and low and behold, guess what happened?

After two marriages, a death of one husband and a divorce of husband #2, I saw myself repeating my mother's pattern. There came a point where I stopped myself and said...this is your chance to make a difference. I am now single, by choice. I am making this time for my children. My oldest son has emotional challenges, and my youngest son helps me anchor his brother and is totally a team player. I could write pages and pages about how I know God brought me these children to raise. It has been an amazing journey. (This is one reason I am writing a book!) I definitely have days...weeks...and yes months where I can't find the answers within myself. Although I am not a church goer, I do believe in looking skyward and accepting that all the answers do not lie in my hands. My form of prayer is to say "I appreciate all that I have, but can you please help me find the answer to (this issue)?" Sometimes I have to admit, "I really fouled this one up, can you show me how to get back on the right path?" and I joke in my personal blog about deus ex machina, but the truth is, its a real thing, and I have been swept up by many miracles in my lifetime.

Part of my growth in the self esteem arena, is that I have come to terms with who I am. I like being independent. I like the choices I make and I don't appreciate being put down or second guessed. That perhaps makes me hard to live with, and I can appreciate that. I am an odd combination of bull-headedness and kind-heartedness. I like being treated like a lady, taken out on dates and going out on the town, but I don't like succumbing to a relationship where the woman should let the man do the thinking. In those cases I become a doormat and it gets confusing to me. I'd rather just believe in myself and wait until I find that person who also believes in me. If that never happens...guess what? I'm still ok. Because I LIKE ME. Maybe I don't or won't understand men, but I understand me and thats a step in the right direction.

So you heard me right. I am admitting my faults. I truly don't get the whole relationship thing. I see men and women who have great relationships, and I am sincerely happy for them. That has just never really happened for me. I understand that it is my fault, I have always stuffed my subconscious self in a closet and pretended that a man would make me happy. Well, poo...that didn't work out, it didn't work out 37 times over. So I finally took that subconscious self out of the closet and I befriended her. I dressed her up and told her she is great. Now we (I) smile a lot more. Now we (I) kiss the kids and make each day an adventure. Now I love me, and maybe down the road I will be more lovable to someone else.

What Darrel Knows About Being Bipolar

Darrel is one of our Advisors on The Self-Esteem Advisory Network and he wrote the article below for his own blog. After reading it, I inquired if I could share this post with our visitors and tsean is fortunate that Darrel agreed. Being Bipolar is not a stigma, it is more an evil torment of the mind, emotion, and manner of being. Those who are Bipolar suffer things we who don't have it cannot imagine -- unless you know someone who has it, as I do. In my family, it is one of those handed down charactoristics that lays dormant for the most part, until that one big or little event cranks up the volume and life is forever altered. I have members of my family that the volume did indeed crank up. Me? No, I do not show clear signs regularly, however I know it is there at times. Over the period of my life, I can definately see where I could have gone down that critical road and I count myself fortunate that I could pull it back into what society regails as normal. Be thankful that you do not suffer the mania, depression, superstitions, anxiety, medical cocktails and evaluations those with Bipolarism must endure. Do not judge someone who is Bipolar for they judge themselves far more than anyone else can; forever thinking the world already views them a certain way and is out to get them; trying to behave as society expects only to at some point revert. They need understanding and support; love and knowing they are accepted despite it all. ~~ Liz

My first thought is...Do I DARE!!! My second thought is...There are so many people that suffer from this disorder, I might be remiss in Not saying something. It is often over looked by doctors and treated as simple depression or more serious depression. It can bring on more emotions than one could ever imagine. This disorder has the potential to take control of your every thought. there are a lot of medical terms and ways to tell you about this disorder. Sometimes it is nice to get the main thoughts on a disorder from someone who Does know.
I won't go into great detail here today on just how deeply it has effected me. Yes, I said Me, as in myself. I know about it because I suffer from this often frustrating and sometimes crippling disorder. Being diagnosed too many years ago than I care to try and recall, it has many times caused me to shrink back, out of site, away from all that exists. It has led me down roads I would have sworn I would never venture down. And yet, I found myself right in the middle of this disorders worst trials.

Often times, the feelings you will have won't be so different from people who do not suffer from any disorders. They are "normal" feelings and often go away without any lasting complications. I think that everyone goes to sad times now and then. Life just sometimes does us that way. It is the times that do Not go away with time that bring us to look deeper into our symptoms.
The highs and lows that we have become all too familiar. They are very often harder for those that love us to deal with than ourselves. We know them intimately and come to know {most of the time}when we are about to be sideswiped by a nasty low. But to those around us that watch us smile and just as they try to interact, we go to the very farthest other side of happy and they are left standing there wondering what they did to make us sad. Then as suddenly as we were sad, we become happy again. We now have a person with us that is no longer perky because they think they did something. We are ready to smile again and they are not.And so begins a vicious circle of us being upset because we want to smile again and they wont. And,this is all in a matter of minutes quite often. So it is to say that those that love us and we find safety in are very much a victim just as we are.

I find myself content to be alone a lot because I don't have to worry about causing a loved one any grief. Oh but wait... there is the issue of "oh my, now I made them sad because I am not around them." Yes, it is a full swing circle and this is our life.

For some, the meds are a life saver and I say that for those that they are, stay with them. Do what works for you. For those like myself that simply can not make themselves take a med, we will continue to be a worry to our family and doctor, but... we will continue to be. Each of us are the same mind and each of us are different. We seek out what allows us to be as "normal" as we can be in the eyes of those we pass each day. That is sometimes why we go undetected and misdiagnosed so very often because unless someone actually sees us in one of our "mood swings", they will never even know there is an issue.
I think sometimes one of the hardest emotions to deal with is the love issue. I am capable of loving and caring for so many at any one time. And yet I also can turn and walk away at the drop of a hat. To love me is to take a daily chance and hope that I wake tomorrow still wanting or able to be near you or with you. Perhaps this is only me but I somehow doubt that. The love is truer than any you will know and I never stop loving even if I have to move on in my mind.

Yes, if a person hurts or kills someone or does anything to catch the medias eyes and they are bipolar or suffer from turrets too as I do, the world seems to need to place a special emphasis on that. Not all killers or people with mind issues are bipolar and not all bipolars are killers or harmful to others. It only places a scared or "oh my God, they are..." image in the worlds minds when they exploit the fact of the illness. If it IS that important, then when that same person gets to court, treat them with the same thought. Understand them and realize that they are not always able to walk in the rest of societies world. Be kind and patient and you might find that they are the very loyalest friends you will ever know...as long as you don't break their trust.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my words will be encouraging to someone. I hope that I never say anything to cause ones heart to hurt or feel badly. And I will strive to always write words that will place knowledge to help not only those that suffer from this disorder, but also those loved ones that live with it daily. I hope to help others see they are not so alone and not so different. I just felt the desire to write about this today.

Emotional Freedom with EFT

A Cool Self-Help & Therapy Tool

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to lessen the impact of traumatic situations? The Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) work especially well with simple issues. All that's needed is time to focus on your pain while lightly tapping on specific points on your face and upper body.

The tapping points come from the ancient science of Chinese medicine. For example, an Acupuncturist uses needles on these points to balance and heal your body. In EFT, we tap on these points while focusing the mind on a bothersome situation, difficult feeling, or old trauma. It's as if we're doing "emotional acupressure".

I became interested in this technique when I learned it works well to eliminate headaches and migraines. When I started working with it though, I realized how useful it can be for simple emotional upsets like embarrassing situations, arguments, or fears.

What's great about this technique is that most of the time, it can be used like any self-help tool – by yourself, for yourself. At other times, though, it's a good idea to get assistance from someone who has expertise in using EFT. Especially if your issues are very deep and complex, it's nice to have an expert to support you.

How EFT Works

Did you know that the body holds memories? One way we protect ourselves from difficult experiences is by storing them in an unconscious place in the body. Have you ever noticed how your neck and shoulders tighten when you're stressed? Or maybe your tummy starts doing summersaults when you're scared? It could be that the body holds onto unresolved issues for us until we have solutions to them.

The person who developed EFT, Gary Craig, theorized that the negative feelings we experience come from blockages in the meridian energy pathways that are associated with Chinese medicine. When we experience a difficult situation in our lives, it's like a shock goes through the body and these pathways get blocked. To help us understand this blockage, Lindsay Kinney, Life Coach and EFT Master says the blocks in these meridians are like a kink in a hose. Tapping gently on the beginnings of these meridians while focusing on our feelings, unblocks the kink.

New Energy, New Solutions

When the energy that's been blocked starts to flow again, new ideas and solutions can come to you. At the beginning of the tapping process, you allow yourself to simply vent. Then once that's out of the way (or the kink is unblocked), you may find yourself open to new possibilities that automatically come to mind. Stay aware of what's going on inside of you. Then, as you entertain these new possibilities while tapping, it's like you're downloading into your very being, new ways of approaching your issues. So not only does EFT allow the negative feelings to be validated and expressed, but it allows you to reinforce any positive affirmations that come to you as you tap.

It's Free

The best part about EFT is that you can practice it in the comfort of your own home with a manual that can be downloaded for free. As long as you familiarize yourself with the basic steps, you can innovate and you're never doing it wrong. Gary Craig's site contains tons of articles where people share their own innovations with the technique along with experiences, methods and examples of just about any issue, topic or physical malady you could imagine. Many of the practitioners have articles posted on their websites too where you can get even more help.

Good luck tapping!

View the 7-minute EFT Introduction Video

Tapping Points Lindsay's "Power" tapping points

EFT Basic Instructions - Step by Step tapping instructions

Gary Craig's original Free Manual: http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp

Coaching for your tapping: http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com/EmotionalFreedomEFT.htm

Tapping Points

Do You Hear Your Child?

As parents, we expect that our children listen to and obey us, right? We get upset when kids get that far away look in their eye when we are talking to them. Kids just don't listen. Uh, unfortunately some parents don't, either.

Hey, when your child comes home from school and tells you they feel the teacher is making them feel bad, singling them out from the rest of the class in a negative way (ie bad grade -- lowest scores) or ignores them completely -- PAY ATTENTION. When your child tells you they are being pestered on the bus or walking route to school, PAY ATTENTION. When they tell you 'nothing' in response to your asking how they are and it's obvious to you that 'nothing' is something -- PAY ATTENITON. HEAR both what they do and don't say. This is your child, the person you brought into this world with your hopes and dreams for them sky-high. Sure, the kid probably let you down by not getting high grades or scoring the winning point, but when did it cease to matter how they are navigating their life? When you don't LISTEN, you are telling them their joys and concerns no longer matter to you.

Kids sense when their parents aren't really connected to them any more. When that happens, that's when they begin to close themselves off in all areas of their life: school, friends, family. Interest in doing things they had always enjoyed wans and they can seem as if they don't care anymore about much of anything. Listen to your kids. You don't have to like what they have to say, but knowing they always have at least one person in this world they can talk to about anything could mean the difference of your child maintaining their normal selves or becoming and introvert who has no interest in anything.

C'mon, life is hard enough without having to go through it thinking you are alone. Family is your best support system and those that you should never fear going to for help -- do your kids know that? If they don't, work on changing that. You will all benefit and be that close family you dreamed about when you first started out.