by Lisa Di Clemente
In my heart I think I always saw myself as a single parent. Who knows why. Maybe its because I saw my Mom struggle through marriage after marriage (5 in all) and getting hurt over and over, all the while dragging us kids through the whole mess. I'm not angry with her, I just think that from a child's perspective I wished she would have been just happy with us, and that she would have spent some of that energy on watching us grow and blossom. Again, I do not fault her, she raised us with the best of intentions. In my mind's eye, I played out the fantasy of how I would raise my children on my own...and low and behold, guess what happened?
After two marriages, a death of one husband and a divorce of husband #2, I saw myself repeating my mother's pattern. There came a point where I stopped myself and said...this is your chance to make a difference. I am now single, by choice. I am making this time for my children. My oldest son has emotional challenges, and my youngest son helps me anchor his brother and is totally a team player. I could write pages and pages about how I know God brought me these children to raise. It has been an amazing journey. (This is one reason I am writing a book!) I definitely have days...weeks...and yes months where I can't find the answers within myself. Although I am not a church goer, I do believe in looking skyward and accepting that all the answers do not lie in my hands. My form of prayer is to say "I appreciate all that I have, but can you please help me find the answer to (this issue)?" Sometimes I have to admit, "I really fouled this one up, can you show me how to get back on the right path?" and I joke in my personal blog about deus ex machina, but the truth is, its a real thing, and I have been swept up by many miracles in my lifetime.
Part of my growth in the self esteem arena, is that I have come to terms with who I am. I like being independent. I like the choices I make and I don't appreciate being put down or second guessed. That perhaps makes me hard to live with, and I can appreciate that. I am an odd combination of bull-headedness and kind-heartedness. I like being treated like a lady, taken out on dates and going out on the town, but I don't like succumbing to a relationship where the woman should let the man do the thinking. In those cases I become a doormat and it gets confusing to me. I'd rather just believe in myself and wait until I find that person who also believes in me. If that never happens...guess what? I'm still ok. Because I LIKE ME. Maybe I don't or won't understand men, but I understand me and thats a step in the right direction.
So you heard me right. I am admitting my faults. I truly don't get the whole relationship thing. I see men and women who have great relationships, and I am sincerely happy for them. That has just never really happened for me. I understand that it is my fault, I have always stuffed my subconscious self in a closet and pretended that a man would make me happy. Well, poo...that didn't work out, it didn't work out 37 times over. So I finally took that subconscious self out of the closet and I befriended her. I dressed her up and told her she is great. Now we (I) smile a lot more. Now we (I) kiss the kids and make each day an adventure. Now I love me, and maybe down the road I will be more lovable to someone else.
In my heart I think I always saw myself as a single parent. Who knows why. Maybe its because I saw my Mom struggle through marriage after marriage (5 in all) and getting hurt over and over, all the while dragging us kids through the whole mess. I'm not angry with her, I just think that from a child's perspective I wished she would have been just happy with us, and that she would have spent some of that energy on watching us grow and blossom. Again, I do not fault her, she raised us with the best of intentions. In my mind's eye, I played out the fantasy of how I would raise my children on my own...and low and behold, guess what happened?
After two marriages, a death of one husband and a divorce of husband #2, I saw myself repeating my mother's pattern. There came a point where I stopped myself and said...this is your chance to make a difference. I am now single, by choice. I am making this time for my children. My oldest son has emotional challenges, and my youngest son helps me anchor his brother and is totally a team player. I could write pages and pages about how I know God brought me these children to raise. It has been an amazing journey. (This is one reason I am writing a book!) I definitely have days...weeks...and yes months where I can't find the answers within myself. Although I am not a church goer, I do believe in looking skyward and accepting that all the answers do not lie in my hands. My form of prayer is to say "I appreciate all that I have, but can you please help me find the answer to (this issue)?" Sometimes I have to admit, "I really fouled this one up, can you show me how to get back on the right path?" and I joke in my personal blog about deus ex machina, but the truth is, its a real thing, and I have been swept up by many miracles in my lifetime.
Part of my growth in the self esteem arena, is that I have come to terms with who I am. I like being independent. I like the choices I make and I don't appreciate being put down or second guessed. That perhaps makes me hard to live with, and I can appreciate that. I am an odd combination of bull-headedness and kind-heartedness. I like being treated like a lady, taken out on dates and going out on the town, but I don't like succumbing to a relationship where the woman should let the man do the thinking. In those cases I become a doormat and it gets confusing to me. I'd rather just believe in myself and wait until I find that person who also believes in me. If that never happens...guess what? I'm still ok. Because I LIKE ME. Maybe I don't or won't understand men, but I understand me and thats a step in the right direction.
So you heard me right. I am admitting my faults. I truly don't get the whole relationship thing. I see men and women who have great relationships, and I am sincerely happy for them. That has just never really happened for me. I understand that it is my fault, I have always stuffed my subconscious self in a closet and pretended that a man would make me happy. Well, poo...that didn't work out, it didn't work out 37 times over. So I finally took that subconscious self out of the closet and I befriended her. I dressed her up and told her she is great. Now we (I) smile a lot more. Now we (I) kiss the kids and make each day an adventure. Now I love me, and maybe down the road I will be more lovable to someone else.
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